There are many issues that continue to plague the Black community—it’s a list as long as the people suing Diddy. Wealth gaps, education gaps, income disparities, disproportionate imprisonment, racism, discrimination, and health and wellness inequalities are just a few. Although I believe wholeheartedly that many of these issues were manufactured by the machines of white supremacy, how long are we to point the finger at a culprit who realizes guilt but refuses acknowledgement?
If I had my way, I would insert Newton’s Third Law of Motion which states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. If it were up to me, every measure of oppression exacted upon Black people in this country (slavery, segregation, Jim Crow, lynching, red lining, etc.) would be exchanged for government backed initiatives that atone for every single historical wrongdoing. If the day comes when America decides to right its wrongs as it pertains to Blacks in this country, I will be the first to display my gratitude. Until that happens, we must seek improvement the same way we have for hundreds of years—via self-determination, resilience, and communal advancement.
To put it simply Black men must be better. Regardless of every obstacle we face, every disadvantage we must endure, improving ourselves as a collective is mandatory. The area that has the most gravity and will have the most profound impact on our community is fatherhood. If we vow to be better fathers and show up for our children, we then change the future state of an entire community. Black men would have to do everything humanly possible to be present physically, emotionally, and financially for their offspring. That in turn will address every concern that beleaguers us.
The problem is that too many Black men believe fatherhood is optional. Our biological makeup, cultural norms, and ancestral motivated behaviors are all contributing factors. I see it all too often. A single mother with children whose father has decided to want nothing to do with his own daughter or son. A father, who because of the way the mother mistreats him he, in turn decides he will not only desert the mom, but the child as well. For mothers, motherhood is anything but an option in practically every situation. Because of biological characteristics, mothers typically don’t get to choose whether to be a mother. They must carry the child for nine months, that time will in most cases form an unbreakable physiological and emotional connection that is compromised by very few forces.
Dads, well, they shoot up and have choices. There’s no feeling of the baby inside their bodies. There is no interconnectivity between the guy’s ball sac and the embryo’s heartbeat. Guys get to choose to be present or to become conveniently absent with virtually no emotional aftermath to fret about. Before you past judgement, remember the forces that drive our behaviors; our biological structure that allows us to benefit from not having physical contact with an unborn fetus, our cultural norms that remind us we can if we want and we can choose not to if we prefer, and our ancestral pretext which has led us to move from place to place, planting seeds as we migrate from this woman to that one.
To paint the picture of our history, here’s an excerpt from W.E.B. DuBois’ The Souls of Black Folk:
“The plague-spot in sexual relations is easy marriage and easy separation. This is no sudden development, nor the fruit of Emancipation. It is the plain heritage from slavery. In those days Sam, with his master’s consent, “took up” with Mary. No ceremony was necessary, and in the busy life of the great plantations of the Black Belt it was usually dispensed with. If now the master needed Sam’s work in another plantation or in another part of the same plantation, or if he took a notion to sell the slave, Sam’s married life with Mary was usually unceremoniously broken, and then it was clearly to the master’s interest to have both of them take new mates. This widespread custom of two centuries has not been eradicated in thirty years. Today Sam’s grandson “takes up” with a woman without license or ceremony; they live together decently and honestly, and are, to all intents and purposes, man and wife. Sometimes these unions are never broken until death; but in too many cases family quarrels, a roving spirit, a rival suitor, or perhaps more frequently the hopeless battle to support a family, lead to separation, and a broken household is the result.”
63% of Black children will grow up in a single-parent household in 2023; compared to only 24% of white children. DuBois’ book was published in 1903, and even after 120 years, not much has changed. “Family quarrels, a roving spirit, a rival suitor, and the battle to support a family” all continue to be factors that impact our family structures. We as children tend to learn from our parents through observation and imitation—this unfortunately includes behaviors that are good, bad, or indifferent. How does a young man learn in the absence of his father? I didn’t have my father growing up and I had a stepfather who was anything but exemplary. I looked to people like my uncle for role modeling, I would also tell myself to imitate fatherly television characters like Heathcliff Huxtable of the Cosby Show, or James Evans from Good Times. My self-talk would include phrases like, “I won’t be like my dad”, “I won’t abandon my kids like my dad abandoned me”, “I will love my kids and be the best possible father I can be” “I won’t be like them”.
In order to change the plight of the Black fathers of tomorrow, we must change their mindsets, standards, and their presumptions of expectations starting today. DuBois once said, “training for life teaches living.” These young Black men—especially the young men being raised in tougher circumstances—must be educated with not just math, history, and science skills, but they have to be taught the life skills needed for the success they will explore while living a life of prosperity. This includes understanding their future role in society and the importance of being a strong man, loving husband, and unwavering father.
Solving this fatherhood problem in our community stands to simultaneously address other issues. Having a father in the home increases the household’s income, has the propensity to create more wealth, thus creating more resources and opportunities to excel in areas like education. The keys to further improvement of the Black community rest on a commitment of teaching young men the best way forward and that fatherhood is never optional—it is mandatory.